“There are those that look at things the way they are, and ask ‘Why?’
I dream of things that never were, and ask, ‘Why not?’” — George Bernard Shaw
A beautiful sentiment, but one I’m starting to think I don’t fully understand. His words didn’t inspire me to greatness like they did the Kennedy family. They inspired me to do the single most ridiculous thing I could think of with Miller High Life’s new collection of beer and food-infused truffles. I took the candy’s creator, chocolatier Phillip Ashley, literally when he said he designed each chocolate to pair with beer and ate the whole box of chocolate—which includes grilled cheese and lemon pepper chicken wing selections—while drinking a six-pack. But because that wasn’t silly enough, I did so while also eating the many foods that inspired it.
Why? Why not? So in that spirit I kept a running diary of my calorific evening of beer, food, and candy. It didn’t go as I expected in most ways. However, it did in the only way that counts: there’s a reason no one else looked at these chocolates and dreamed of eating them like this.
I made or bought the matching food to eat before each individual chocolate. The only difference between the two menus is the Pretzel Praline portion. Because my beer nuts mix had pretzels I opted for Turtle candies; they had everything else that went into Phillip Ashley’s chocolate.
Here’s the menu with official descriptions for the six chocolates.
Here is my slow descent on a Friday night into delirious exhaustion and a tummy ache.
7:01 – I’ve begun making my grilled cheese but I regret everything about this already. I regret pitching it and I regret the fact I’m still doing it even though literally none of my editors would be mad if I backed out. Mistakes were made. More mistakes are coming.
7:04 – The key to a great grilled cheese is putting the butter in the pan, not on the bread. Then you remove it from the pan, add more butter and lower the heat before flipping it over. Take this information with you into life so at least something good comes out of this evening. [Editor’s note: The key to unparalleled grilled cheese greatness is using mayonnaise instead of butter.]
7:16 – Early strategic audible: only eating half the grilled cheese because I’m already starting to feel full.
7:17 – First beer down/first candy up.
7:19 – The grilled cheese chocolate isn’t savory and didn’t really remind me of grilled cheese. But it is very, very cheesy. It has a super sweet cream cheese-flavored cream in the middle that tastes like cream cheese concentrate. It’s not unpleasant, but it’s super intense and I definitely could not eat a second one.
I wish it were way better or way worse. It did pair nicely with the beer.
7:24 – I put way too much lemon pepper seasoning on my wings. The thought of adding chocolate to these flavors has me considering some pretty dark things I’d rather do instead.
7:25 – I just realized you’re probably thinking, “How old is this kid? 23? 24? I mean this is pretty stupid.”
I’m middle-aged man and the last thing I did before starting was read my young son two books and put him to bed.
7:27 – I have got to slow down. My belly is not going to hold up if I don’t pace myself.
7:39 – I’d rather drink the “Champagne of Beers” over actual champagne every time.
7:43 – Remember when I mentioned middle age? Well I’m already getting tired and I’m only just finishing my second beer.
7:47 – Done, but too tired to get up and go to the other room to eat the chocolate.
7:58 – This lemon pepper chicken wing chocolate is one of the worst things I’ve ever eaten. It’s grainy and it tastes like pepper chocolate. It’s really hard to describe and even harder to swallow. I actually think some people would like this, but I’m definitely not one of them.
I’m going to drink beer number three very quickly because I want to get this flavor out of my mouth.
8:01 – This is the best Miller High Life I’ve ever had in my life. It’s also a really good mouthwash.
8:17 – Just remembered I need to eat sweet potato fries while drinking this third beer. They are ice cold. I clearly needed to plan better. Both for this six-pack challenge and for life.
8:19 – Finishing beer three and taking a bite of the sweet potato candy.
It completely disintegrated because it’s currently 80 degrees here today and everything’s melting, but I got to tell you: this is awesome. It’s creamy in the best way. The chocolate is the forward flavor, but there’s a nice little sweet potato element halfway through the bite. Delicious.
8:22 – Just remembered refrigerators exist and I can keep the other chocolates and beers in there until I’m ready for them. Keep in mind I am still very sober and this never occurred to me before.
8:24 – Forgot beer four in the other room. Disaster.
8:32 – The standoff between me and my legs continues.
8:36 – We’re looking at the end of the standoff but only because I have to use the bathroom.
8:40 – Figuring out how to get paid to drink beer and eat chocolate while watching sports is probably the apex of my professional career. I’m more than fine with that. Anyway, finally getting up. Beer nuts mix up next. I plan to actually enjoy snacking on these before I get to the candy.
8:42 – Never mind. Eating the other half of my grilled cheese first. It’s room temperature and I’m not even hungry but who cares at this point?
Just ate it like a rabid wolverine. Didn’t even have to update the time on this entry because it took less than 30 seconds. I told you I’m a fast eater keep your thoughts to yourself!
Okay, beer nuts time.
8:45 – Hell yeah. Salty goodness. The sweating is less good.
8:53 – In terms of drinking I feel much better than I did at the start. Just couldn’t hit a groove at the beginning, but now the High Lifes are going down real good. I’m just very sleepy. Who would have thought eating way too much food and drinking way too much beer would make one want to go to bed?
9:08 – This is the first candy where I really taste the beer. This tastes like chocolate, peanuts, and Miller High Life blended together. Which I guess is also technically exactly what it is? Whatever, if you expected nuance this far into the game you haven’t been paying attention.
I kind of like this even though I usually like my chocolate much sweeter. However, I would not eat a second.
9:10 – This chocolate lingers, but not in the way that makes me want to chop off my tongue like the lemon pepper chicken wing one did. Anyway, beer four down and I imagine this is what marathon runners feel like when they hit the 20th mile. Only much worse.
9:13 – Okay, Michael, let’s eat these boring normie Turtle chocolates and drink this fifth beer. Then let’s consider a nap. At 9 at night.
9:16 – Turtles good I owe Turtles an apology for calling them basic.
9:18 – Beer good too.
I honestly think I could pass every sobriety test you’d give me right now despite how this running diary is going, I am just that tired. Stupid food gags are a young man’s game.
9:21 – Me and Phillip Ashley are friends now. Can someone tell him we’re friends? Also tell him I really like macadamia nuts.
9:23 – …Why didn’t I put the fan on before?
9:25 – Two thoughts. 1) I don’t drink a lot anymore, so I figured even with Miller High Life’s relatively low ABV (4.6%) I would get drunk. But clearly I underestimated how much food I would be eating which is making that very difficult.
2) I am currently singing “Fhqwhgads” from Homestar Runner, so I would like to use this running diary as an excuse to remind people that Strong Bad once answered one of my emails. I am the Mike W from “Gimmicks.” This is my greatest achievement in life. Oh, uh, second, after being a dad. (Nailed it.)
9:29 – The wall? I have hit it.
9: 35 – I’m going to have to run through this wall full speed using my head.
9:38 – Totally going to start running any second here. Any second.
9:45 – Eating the pretzel praline chocolate. I was really excited about this one but it’s not doing much for me. It’s way more salty than sweet, which is not my preference. Might also be that eating the overly sweet, non-gourmet Turtles beforehand sort of overstimulated those taste buds, impacting my enjoyment of this more nuanced chocolate? I don’t know. I’m surprised I’m even capable of this kind of analysis right now.
9:46 – Beer five down. Time to make some popcorn
9:50 – Starting to wonder if this wasn’t the best idea I’ve ever had… If 40 million people read my post I’ll reconsider. Hit those share and like buttons!
9:54 – My wife came home a few minutes ago and she’s going to make me a bag of movie popcorn. I’m glad she wasn’t here 10 minutes ago to see me eat a leftover chicken wing above the sink like a polar bear who hasn’t had a meal in two months.
10:09 – I’m still here. Eating popcorn and drinking beer, but mostly trying to stay awake.
10:15 – I found a way to ruin a beer I’ve always liked. All you got to do is fill your stomach with an obscene amount of weird food while drinking it. Alert Mr. Pulitzer.
10:23 – I’ve got less than half a beer and one piece of chocolate left. Just going to pretend Phillip Ashley himself is rooting me on and eat this final, buttery popcorn beer chocolate.
10:26 – Holy s***. This is AMAZING. It’s sweet but perfectly balanced. I feel like it’s giving my mouth a hug. It’s so good I’m like 97% sure I would feel this exact same way if I were totally sober. I’m glad I already finished my six pack of beer because I don’t want this flavor to leave my mouth.
Someone tell my new best friend Phillip I want a whole box of just these. Although I wouldn’t complain if he threw in a few of those sweet potato ones either. Man this is so good.
10:35 – I’m absolutely, 100% exhausted but I’m also sort of vibrating because I’m so full of beer and chocolate. I feel like I could do a triathlon right now, but only in my sleep. Do not recommend this feeling half a star.
10:57 – Can’t move still on couch.
11:33 – I finally dragged myself to bed. I know everyone will want to know how my stomach responded to this so I will update tomorrow.
Saturday 6:47 am – Took forever to fall asleep and woke up constantly. Horrible night. Total disaster. Should have just eaten the chocolates like a normal person with a normal brain.
As for my stomach :file not found:.
Reading back through all my notes I realize I come across like a man slowly losing his mind. That sounds about right. But days later I’m still thinking about that butter popcorn chocolate, so it wasn’t all bad.
I am fairly certain even George Bernard Shaw himself would look at what I did and ask, “Why?”
Mikey Walsh is a staff writer at Nerdist and still full. You can follow him on Twitter at @burgermike. And also anywhere someone is ranking the Targaryen kings.